Despite everything that happened to me these passed weeks, there are still things left to smile about. I don’t want to say anything about it for fear that I might jinx it [insert thread of lies why I weren’t able to blog lately *lol*] Bottom line is I saw perhaps some of the happiest days of my life. Its different being in love. Or thinking that you in love. It gives one reason to wake up everyday. Reason to smile. Motivation to do well in work.
I’m no longer restless.
I hope I am in love.
What will you do for love? I know the question is overrated. Masyado na madaming beses binigkas ang tanong na ito. May mga sagot na oh so sweet, kulang na lang eh ilathala na rin ito kahanay ng nobela ng Twin Hearts, Cupid, Romance at kung anek anek pa. Nariyan din ang mga pang-MMK na tragedy ang effect. Kung ako tatanungin mo, hindi ko masasabi kung ano kaya ko gawin para sa pag-ibig. Pero dasal ko lang, mamayani sana ang tamang pag-iisip sa mga pagkakataong kailangan magdesisyon kung hanggang saan ang kayak o gawin para sa pag-ibig.
Last Friday, I received a message from Ryan asking if I could spare him a couple of my time. He appeared to be in dire need to talk so I phoned him while waiting for my brother to pick me up from work. As expected, boyfriend problem. Between you and me, my friends only call me either to confide their heartaches or borrow money. Of the two, I certainly prefer the later since I don’t have the anda to start with.
Sorry I digressed. Apparently John cut him short for a younger guy, who happened to be a co-worker. As I can remember this was not first time John engaged in such activities outside their relationship but still Ryan seemed to forgive and continue with the relationship. Banal ka Ryan pero may pagkatanga ka. For crying out loud, the guy had too many ‘misadventures’, did you missed the sign to call it off?
So there we – me talking, he crying. I was re-assuring him how perfectly normal to grieve at this point and that he have to move on. But he didn’t prepared me when he told me of the poison letter he sent to John’s kalukadidang copy-furnished John, his managers and almost the entire of his officemates. I felt bad now that I had to stress how stupid Ryan was for doing that. Its one thing when your lover fooled around and another when you start dragging other people into the mess. What’s the point? Bakit kailangan pa umabot sa ganun kadumi yun paghihiwalay niyo? Don’t you agree with me?
Ryan initially averred how he loves John too much that he can’t just go down without a fight. I know and even I will do the same but never will I bring our dirty laundries out in the public. It’s plain stupidity. I don’t know how many times I uttered His most forgiving name. Not only did he burn the bridge between them but he destroyed the guy’s career. What worried me more is what John might do for payback. John has been very physical whenever he and Ryan had fights in the past. I can only imagine the intensity of rage he might me harboring right now for Ryan.
Oh my God, I can only pray that you help Ryan with this major screw up he made.
Dear Paji,
Fate has been so unfair to me lately. I know, I know. I can’t help but open this letter with that so brace yourself, you up for another serving of rants from me.
Almost two weeks ago when Deo, the officemate I’ve been telling you a lot lately, announced his resignation. It shocked the hell out of me. I didn’t know that he was brewing something behind my back. It made me cry but I had to hold it in. You know how hard it is for me to keep emotions bottling inside and resisting the urge to go berserk. But I managed. I hated him. I envied him. I was happy for him. All these things going on at the same time.
Initially, it was anger that cruised throughout my head when he told me of his forthcoming resignation. How could he have kept me in the dark when as early as June he had the contract? I felt so betrayed. Forsaken. Left out. I was very open with my plans and the applications I have. I thought we’ll be leaving the firm together or at least he would give me a head run to get out before hell broke lose.
Now, I’m caught in between the succeeding resignations of my bosses and left with an overwhelming responsibility to carry on with the practice being the only senior staff on board. I see how this wonderful opportunity will do to my career but what’s the use when the people you love working with are no longer around. How will office life be now when the people who for the passed four years have redefined the work place into a playground are leaving?
I’m so envious of Deo and the guys who have moved on from our practice. I’m haunted with the vision of them lurking abroad, further advancing in their career, making much more money than I am.
I felt damned. I’m sorry I can’t help it. I wanted some time off to collect myself and re-aligned myself with the situation.
God knows I will surely miss Deo, as much as I misses you. After you left for US, I grew even closer to him. More than I needed an outlet, I guessed it was the time we spent with each other that led our relationship to evolve from mere officemates to friends. I realized just now that I spent ridiculously huge chunk of my waking hours with him compared to say mum and Aye. Imagine nine of 15 hours of my waking time, five days a week for the last four years. You know I restrain myself from getting chessy and stuff. I don’t think I can tell him these things. It’s too gay even for us.
I only pray for the day to come when I’ll be leaving the firm. That’s all that I can do now actually – pray. So not me, right?
Je
Life made a lot of crazy turns last week – surprises that weren’t meant to be funny, uncertainties, disappointments after another. It happened all so sudden I didn’t have the time to pause and digest everything. All swirling emotions of being left alone. Ang drama.
Even in my moment of solitude this weekend, I still can’t address each one. Or maybe I tried in my effort to put it to rest but failed miserably. Why do I make a big deal of it anyway? I wish I know. I hope I learn to understand myself.
For now, I’m posting the letters of Rod McKuen’s translation of the French song Ne Me Quitte Pas written by Jacques Brel. I heard the Spanish version of the song from the firm I watched last night.
Here’s a big shout out for Sche on his 25th (I think) birthday. I’m sorry I missed it yesterday. I’m busy and single, you know how mess-up weekends are for singles looking for hook-ups *lol*
Have you been in Manila now, I would have given you a bongang-bonganight out with my newly met set of friends. Enjoy Singapore gurl!
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Photo credit: jek in the box
